I need to be thin
and live overseas
I need fabulous hair
that makes bacon jam
I need tow-headed children
and a chair made of books
I need dredlocks
and a tattoo
and to do laundry
in fishnets
and a swimsuit

I had an idea
for something
that might make me
okay

and I can recover
from love
but it won't be
today

it turns out that
being myself
is harder
to change

in not pleasing
anyone else
why can't I
catch a break

I didn't even
ask to know
and it doesn't
help

I cannot teach
others to do
what I can't do
myself

under the layers
I laid on
no one is
home
 
and I can't even
manage
to be alone

_

Nicole's Age

A found poem

Catastrophe     Age almost 16

Clinic               Age 17

           To middle October bad period
           After armistice good period

He returns

She discharged           Almost 18

Married. Aged 18

when the story opens she is just 24

when the story ends she is just 28

_

Perigee

A Parody

Major Axis
(of The Ellipse)
pulls tides aside
with just his lips;

an apsis at
his either end,
he's just as close
as far again.

_

The Insoluble

Watching Woody Allen
I suddenly miss
the way we were—

wonder if it’s already
gone forever, if
I’ll ever find you again,

if I’ll ever have
New York
the way I want to have it.

Wanting things too much
is a form of sadness,
according to God or Gandhi,

I forget which—
I’m supposed to be learning
something about myself.
 
I seem to only be learning
which parts of me
won’t wash away.

_

Prologue

Be before Do.
          - D. W. Winnicott

I have felt the cold
in many places—

the chronic chill
that hollows bones
into bird bones,

that makes the body ache
for the weight
of another’s warmth.

I have longed to be covered
in moans

and found only a whisper
would reach me
through the snow.
 
In the moment between breaths,
I begin.

_

What She Knows

The most ringing endorsement
I can give
is that I found you worthy
(of: lying to
      lying beside
      lying under)

what more can you ask?
You,
        who asked
        so many times

        (indicated by x’s
        similarly representing
        dead eyes
        treasure
        kisses)

what I was thinking—
the answer most often
was some form

of lying.

_

The Wandering With

In wanting to hold
    everything
I lose the ability
to restrain myself.
But still
            maintain
            myself.
 
Though uncontained.

My waning heart
seems unable
to control itself.

Or myself.
Which
          ever it is.

(My
       with
               wanders.)

_

Wednesday Afternoon

This is just to say
I carry something
           unspoken
 
for you 
inside me—

something that
wants you, is
drawn to you,
finds comfort
in the things
you speak.
 
And wants to
care for you,
comfort you
in return. But

is content (and,
honestly,
a little surprised)
just to be.

_